I'm a mess. Everyday I look around and see all of these people who don't seem to be struggling like I am. I hear that others struggle, but where are they all. Do they hide in their houses and not come out? Am I really the only one? I don't understand. Why am I such a mess? Why can't I handle my life? Why am I not all put together like everyone else? What a minute.....
These are the irrational thoughts in my mind. I know they are irrational. I don't understand the world, but I do know that there is absolutely no way I am the only one who feels this way. There are so many struggling in the world, so much pain, so much hurt, so much abuse, so much addition. I am not the only one who feels this way.
I do, however, sometimes feel like I'm the only one who is openly airing my dirty laundry. I still go out into public with my screaming, tantruming three year old. I carry him out of church screaming and crying when he can't behave, then I have a massive hissy fit outside the car once he is safely buckled inside. I yell, stamp my feet, almost punch my rear windshield (but resist), tear up papers, throw my keys on the ground. Okay, my tantrum is over. Time to go into the car and act cool with the kid. (note to self: I'll need to apologize to the unsuspecting mother who just witnessed my emotional outburst).
I'm such a mess....but a beautiful honest mess, trying to figure out this messy world one moment at a time.
Another mother comes out to console me in the car. Instead of feeling judged, I decide to accept her loving care and words of wisdom. The three year old is still screaming in the car, while she assures me my other four kids are in good hands, I accept her loving hug. She looks in the back of my car to my three year old. He unleashes a death scream on her ears. She looks at him lovingly and says, "we love you, Liam." Wow! That floors me, she doesn't judge, she loves. Then, she quietly says to me, "how about you ask him to calm down for two minutes, something he can be successful at, if he can do that, then come back into the gym and join us for the party."
I do just as she says, it works! I am so thankful for her, and to God for answering my quiet prayers to be rescued. I go back inside and face the stares of all the other mothers and kids who witnessed the great and epic tantrum.
Once all the kids are taken care of, I sneak off to a far away corner, lament a little with my spouse via text messaging, and then I'm back to the game of motherhood. Juggling kids, driving to and from destinations, cursing traffic and lights for making me later than I already planned on being, then rushing home for a "relaxing" family night.
Everyday is a roller coaster of emotions like this.
Everyday is a beautiful mess!